Ingratitude! thou marble-hearted fiend...

“Ingratitude is treason to mankind.” James Thomson

Wednesday 11 May 2011

Feeling sorry. For myself, that is.

For obvious reasons, you will never medal in the grief olympics when your dog dies. You won't even make the team. Possibly no one outside your immediate circle will notice, and not two weeks after the event, a friend will ask if you still feel bad.

But from inside, it feels different. I am lonely for my friend, who I loved and cared for daily for more than thirteen years. I miss the smell of her head, and the sound of her breathing and the way she was always there. The house is very quiet.

I expected to feel sad, but I am kind of taken by surprise by the existential turn of my thoughts. Ashes to ashes stuff. It's like I'm in a hole where nothing makes any difference and what does any of it matter and it's all lost in the end anyway and there's no god and I can hear the emptiness of space, etc.

That's why I'm not doing much here, because I'm aware of, on one hand, hello hyper-melodrama and on the other, oh my word my heart is broken and oh look my guts are all hanging out and I'm sure that isn't good.

I must admit, I did find this bizarrely comforting as well as fucking funny, so maybe read that instead.

(And now this my most recent post and not that last one. Thank fuck for that.)


  1. hardly melodrama. grief is grief, and a dog is family. take your time, we'll still be here.

  2. I'm really sorry to hear about your dog and as Polish Chick says, she was part of the family - you will miss her and need time to grieve.

  3. I am super-grateful for your kind comments - more than I can say - and thanks for confirming the opposite of the 'don't you feel better yet, just a dog, etc.' that I fear everyone is thinking.
    Oh, and dog heaven is such a lovely idea but it sends me into a screaming meaninglessness-of-existence frenzy, so thanks for not going there.

  4. My dog of 13 years passed away in November. Most of my friends were shocked when I showed up to work the next day. One co-worker said he would have taken a week off if his cat had died. Maybe I just work with awesome pet-loving people but we grieve for them and it's perfectly ok. You are not alone. It's hard, I wish you luck and many hugs.

  5. It doesn't really get better with the passage of time as much as it just gets different. I still miss my pups every day, and sometimes I even have to remind myself that they're gone. It just doesn't seem real.

    I had several people say this to me: "How old was he? Oh, 13? Oh, okay. He lived a long life then." As if that's supposed to make it feel better.

    I'm really sorry for you and your pup and the heartbreaky miss. And the anger, and the regret, and the guilt. All of it, it stinks.

  6. Oh, and this is weird and I don't know where to address this, but something funny happened with comments while Blogger was under maintenance and at least one comment seems to have disappeared. It arrived in my emails and I read it. Thank you Becky - I appreciated your reply.

  7. so sorry to hear that your dog has died. It is a terrible loss - it is a life that you shared and a personality that you loved. Doesn't matter if the creature was a two-legged human or a four-legged dog.

    Be kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve and don't be embarassed because it was 'just' a dog. Anyone who thinks it was 'just' a pet has never known the wonderful, forgiving love of a pooch - and it's their loss. Sending you BIG hugs (((hug)))

    Ali x

  8. Thank you Alison. Yes, it is a terrible loss.